I'd Like a Gift Receipt for This Card Please

So this upcoming Sunday is Father's Day. A day to commemorate the hard work our male parent does everyday to make sure their son or daughters' lives are the best they can be. I'll give you a rundown of how this whole thing works in my family. My entire family wakes up late, my mother cooks breakfast with my dad and we eat. Then, my dad opens the cards he was given, followed by whatever presents he gets (from both my mother and I). Now I realize a lot of wives don't buy their husbands presents on Father's Day. I understand why, I mean, he's not THEIR father, but I know my mom gives my dad a present because she respects and values him as the father of her children. I think it's sweet. I know that even some kids don't buy their fathers' presents, just give a card. I can't imagine not getting my dad SOMETHING, but again I guess it's the thought that counts.

Now onto what I really wanted to talk about: the selection of Father's Day cards I ran into today while shopping. I went to Borders to pick up "The Audacity of Hope" by Obama as well as the new Madonna CD "Hard Candy". I also picked up Adele's debut album "19" for myself. I then went to my local grocer Jewel-Osco to pick up a bag to put the gifts in and a hilarious Father's Day card.

My dad is a cryer. I'm a cryer. I'm proud to say that I have inherited his overly empathetic gene. Most cards, even if not all that sappy, will make Dad cry. I try to avoid this at all costs because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I understand it's tears of happiness when he reads a nice card, but I feel less than genuine for bringing out those emotions because I didn't write the words, just picked them out from a stack. I instead tend to go for the comedic cards. My dad is a funny guy. I'm a funny guy. We like to laugh. He particularly likes puns. Bad puns. So that's what I look for each and every Father's Day and birthday.

Let me tell you. The cards (and there were at least fifty of them on display) appropriate for a son to give a father were horrible. Apparently the only paternal aspects that the card companies would like to celebrate on June 15th are: a father's inability to fix things, his need to scratch himself, the fact that farts constantly, or that he drinks heavily. Here's the thing card distributors of Jewel-Osco. Everyone farts. It's not that funny. All of the cards seemed insulting, though I guess they are to be interpreted as funny backhanded compliments. I suppose nothing says "Thanks for putting up with all my shit for nineteen years, paying for the house, food, and my education!" like a cute rhyme about how he farts too much, and is incapable of putting together simple pieces of furniture.

About the only card I could find that were neither gushy nor rude was a simple card that read "Dad, you rock!" and on the inside, "Well, you're more of a recliner, but you're still pretty special! Happy Father's Day!". I did not find this one particularly insulting, but also did not think it was funny in the least bit. So I decided to head for the birthday card section.

I know. I know. It's not my dad's birthday on Sunday. His birthday is in December. But I figured I could find one funny birthday card and just explain to him my predicament of finding a good card when he opened it. I think he'd think it was funny. The first card I see? "Dad, you rock! Well, you're more of a recliner, but you're still pretty special! Happy Birthday!". Fuck.

I ended up picking up a charming birthday card with a man holding up oranges as if they were his breasts with the inside text "Orange you glad it's your birthday?". There we go. Funny. Pun. A bad pun at that, and a reference to that horrible knock-knock joke Dad used to tell me as a kid. I'll scratch out birthday and put Father's Day.

I hope he enjoys the book and CD, but as far as I'm concerned my Father's Day present was looking at shitty cards for twenty-five minutes.